This was their first live podcast of the show IMO featuring Michelle Obama and her brother Craig Robinson. They will for most podcasts invite a guest. Today the special guest was Dr. Laurie Santos of Yale University Psychology department and host of The Happiness Lab. The topic was transforming despair into hope.
Michelle and Craig took a question in advance from an audience member. How that happened is a mystery as there was no form or indication that audience members could submit a question for the taping of this show.
A 28 year old who lives in LA asked this long-winded question beginning with a statement.
“The fires impacted people close to me and it feels like that’s only gonna become more frequent. And everything that’s been happening, politically domestically and globally. The world feels like it’s ending, given the increasing frequency of natural disasters and the current political climate. Many of my friends have accepted this as the “new normal,” but I don’t want to resign myself to this fate. This uncertainty has made me rethink my assumptions about adulthood, like buying a house and starting a family. How can I plan for an uncertain future without becoming apathetic or giving up hope?
Here’s the question, “Do you have any advice on how to plan for a future that feels so different from the one we were promised without becoming apathetic or just resigning yourself to things getting worse?
The Burden of Happiness: Navigating Expectations in Today’s World
At a recent panel discussion, Michelle took center stage, her presence commanding most of the space, yet she made sure to yield the floor to Dr. Santos when it was time for her to speak. It was a moment that set the tone for a conversation that many of us might recognize but rarely discuss openly: the heavy weight of societal expectations, particularly those placed on the younger generation.
Dr. Santos shared an important message with the audience that day. She spoke about the normalization of negative emotions, urging people not to feel ashamed or embarrassed by their feelings of frustration, sadness, or overwhelming stress. “You’re not the only person in the room who’s going through that,” she said, acknowledging the shared human experience of emotional hardship. “And I think that normalization is critical.”
Too often, we hear about “toxic positivity”—the misguided belief that we must always put on a happy face, no matter how dark the world around us seems. Dr. Santos pushed back against this idea, saying that it’s okay to feel bad. “We’re supposed to feel that,” she affirmed. “Negative emotions are normal, and they’re there for a reason. They help us process the world around us.”
According to Dr. Santos, it’s crucial for people, especially young ones, to recognize that they’re not alone in their struggles. This recognition can make a profound difference in how we navigate tough times. She cited the research of Dr. Kristin Neff, a researcher who studies the concept of “common humanity.” Neff’s work shows that acknowledging that others are going through similar struggles can help individuals cope with their own challenges. This has been particularly evident in her research with veterans, where those who practiced self-compassion—recognizing that everyone goes through hardship—were found to have lower rates of PTSD and other related mental health disorders.
The idea that acknowledging suffering can help alleviate it was central to Dr. Santos’ message. She stressed that negative emotions, though uncomfortable, have an important function. “They’re not meant to last forever, but they do help us get through difficult times. When we embrace them instead of ignoring them, it helps us heal.”
Shifting the conversation slightly, Michelle raised an important point about the changing bar for happiness in today’s world. She expressed concern over the unrealistic expectations placed on young people today, expectations that she believes have been exacerbated by societal and parental pressures. “The bar for happiness seems to have skyrocketed,” she said.
Michelle is 61 and her brother 63. She related to a time growing up in the 1960s when her parents, like many working class and middle class families had a very different mindset than today’s helicopter (almost stifling) parents. She recalls that she was happy with less and if she was bored her parents would admonish her with words to the effect of “get over it, read a book, get out of my hair and figure it out.” Reflecting on her own upbringing, Michelle recalled a time when life was simpler. “In our house, excitement was getting pizza on report card day if we got a raise, or asking for three gifts at Christmas. That was it.” She noted that today’s young people seem to have a different experience of joy, one that comes with an ever-increasing list of expectations and desires. Gone are the days when a trip to the Sears catalog was enough to fill a child’s wish list. “We had one store, and we were just grateful for what we got,” Michelle mused. This author also grew up in that era and was told “don’t come home unless you’re bleeding or in pain”, after school.
Fast-forward to today, and the standards for success—and happiness—have drastically changed. “You don’t just go to college now, you go to the college,” Michelle observed. “You don’t just buy a house; you look for the perfect kitchen, the marble counters, tray ceilings, and the man cave.” She also pointed out how social media amplifies this pressure, equating happiness with fame and material success. “You’re not supposed to just be successful; you’re supposed to be famous.”
This shift in expectations, Michelle argued, places an enormous burden on young people. The message they receive is clear: to be happy, you need to achieve more, accumulate more, and be seen more. The result, she suggested, is a generation caught in an unrelenting chase for a kind of happiness that is more about public approval than genuine contentment.
Dr. Santos was quick to point out that while the world has certainly grown more complicated and challenging, the idea that happiness is an ever-moving target is nothing new. “The world has always been tough,” she said. “But right now, we’re in a particularly abnormal moment.” The challenge today, she argued, is not that things are worse than they’ve ever been, but that the world’s collective expectations have changed in ways that can make it harder for young people to feel content with what they have.
In today’s climate, we’re often led to believe that the pursuit of happiness requires us to meet an idealized standard. This relentless pressure, coupled with the complexities of modern life, makes it even more difficult to embrace the full spectrum of human emotions. As Dr. Santos and Michelle both pointed out, we need to create space for those negative emotions. Only then can we begin to address the unrealistic expectations surrounding happiness, and ultimately find a path to true well-being.
By normalizing the struggle and allowing ourselves and others to feel, we might just come closer to achieving a more authentic kind of happiness—one that’s not rooted in external validation or material wealth, but in a more compassionate, shared understanding of the human experience.
Photo by Elise Krentzel